Son of Mary

Yes my mother's name was Mary but that is not what I am referring to. I am referring most specifically to a poem by Rudyard Kipling called The Sons Of Martha. It is a poetic relation of the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42

The poem elaborates heavily on the theme set by the passage of not worrying too much about the little things in life and to focus instead on God.

The first two lines of this poem are:

The sons of Mary seldom bother, for they have inherited that good part;
But the Sons of Martha favour their Mother of the careful soul and the troubled heart.

I have been told many times over the past half of a decade that I come across as very pompous and arrogant. That my demeanor reflects this most heavily. And I have come to the decision that it is true. I am not saying that I am pompous or arrogant but I am acknowledging that my demeanor poses that impression. There is, however, a reason for this and it is for that reason that I have finally come to accept this perception.

In my youth I had a very peculiar characteristic. I didn't worry. In fact, that characteristic carried through until I was about 29 years of age. I simply did not worry. I felt that nothing of consequence could affect me. Because I did not worry I strolled through life. I had faith that God would allow no terrible harm to befall me and because of this I most certainly must have (and still do) appear to the world to be arrogant. To appear as if I believe myself better than the world. This, however, is not the case. It is simply that I believe whatever is presented to me in life that God will carry me through it. I felt this way because of an unerring and unfaltering faith in God. The thing that changed that was that I took on a family (which was and is a good thing.)

The problem was that I had always had faith in God to take care of me but I had been taught by society that it was my place to take care of my family. I felt that God would continue to care for me but that I had to take on the responsibility of my family. Basically I discovered that my faith was very narrow and limited.

It is because of this change in faith that I, myself, changed. When I took on my wife and children I suddenly started to worry. That worry has eaten away at me for 5 years. It began to eat at me in recognizable ways the moment I took on the role of father and husband and it began almost immediately to change me. It changed me from the man my wife had fallen in love with into a man who reacted to everything with fear.

Every time my wife said something and I mistook her meaning or reason for saying it I snapped back with fear. Every time we had a problem financially and I felt it was my fault for not providing I reacted with fear. Every time my wife reacted irrationally to a situation (which was frequently in the beginning because she was mentally ill and not diagnosed or treated properly) I did not know how to react and so I reacted in fear. In fact I look at all of my poor behaviors and I realize that they were, and are, all manifestations of fear.

There are two things that make this realization all the worse for me. The first is that I can look back and see many times when God showed me that he would take care of me AND my family. He tried as hard as I would let him to show me that I did not need to fear and yet I continued to do so. The second thing is that I now that I am aware of this I have let go of my fear and it will no longer control me. I am now returning to the man I was before I found fear but I believe it is too late. It took me too long to listen to God. It took me too long to realize what had made me change from the person I was (the person I liked, the person my wife loved) into the impatient, loud and reactive man I have been for five years. I believe that my family has been to irrevocably harmed by my fearful reactions to forgive them and certainly too much to forget them and so they will forever remember me for what I have done for these past five years and no matter what I become they will always FEAR that I will become that way again.

There is a very distinct chance that I will continue on in my life alone. My wife has lost the attraction she had to me because I became an unattractive person and because of this she wants to move on. My children love me because children are forgiving but they owe their loyalty first and foremost to their mother and that is how it should be. My wife dislikes the desert whereas I have an affinity for it. She will move on with her life and her life will carry her away from here and it will, most probably, do so without me. I will hurt for the loss of the woman I love with all my heart and for the children I would give everything for but I know I cannot follow when they leave. I may see them on occasion and they will be able to see the man I will have re-become but always they will remember the man I was. I can only apologize for that man and hope someday to be forgiven for him.

I am a son of Mary who, for a time, became a son of Martha. I worried too much about the world and forgot to listen to God. For this my life has suffered. Not as a punishment but as a lesson. I know that God will care for me and I know that I will be carried through this. I just wish I had let Him carry me before I fell so far behind the needs of those I love.